I hated this when I wrote it because it sounded melodramatic (a word which here means 'a truth that I am deeply uncomfortable with.')
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and here is the most significant one: I have always had one foot out of love. Always a door cracked, an exit route planned, an emotional bag or five packed and waiting for me in the lobby. What I was looking for was reasonable love: love that expected me to give nothing over and risk nothing real. I found a lot of other people who were looking for this same kind of love and for periods of time we would live together in passionate, dishonest harmony.
Eventually, I lost all of them all. Or rather, we acknowledged that we never really found each other and moved on. The never being fully-in was meant to make the parting ways less painful. It didn't.
Because I loved each of those people and sometimes they loved me as well. It doesn't save you to refuse to admit it. It doesn't serve us to pretend we are impenetrable.
To love anyone is to already be vulnerable. And to hold ourselves back from its acknowledgement is to refuse ourselves the most outrageous joy that we could possibly know.